Sunday August 9th 2020
3:10:pm: bloodlet
kakistocratic (sometime bw then and 4:49)
6:11 PM
August 9th. Wonder if I’ll have a crisis on the 31st — another summer gone! Summer only begins in June. I think it actually ends in September. But it works differently in the mind. Headphones in?
Finished Trick Mirror!
Um. Strange weekend. Came down with a UTI Saturday morning. ([]). []. Man so much to do I’ve thought in the last couple week.s Before this van thing must come all of this um. I’ve decided. Just now maybe. That no new clothes before I do the yard sale thing. Only proceeds from that. I guess the delivery thing can happen more soon sooner than can the physical staging. Maybe I should be working on this Awesome Foundation application too. Um. Um. Um. Then I’m thinking of setting up the constellation of fucking goal accounts — LYZJournal — [] just walked in, “What are you doing?” — LYZ readings, etc. I was thinking earlier too that readings and notes should be in the same Drive, right? So that the notes and the text are the same.
Um. Anyway. [] I had said no. My god it’s August. After this week it’s time to bear the fuck down. (Vacation?) What does that even mean? Reading is work is pleasure is work is anticipation of work. Um. We argued about this on — Friday? [] [] and me [] came in around the time I left. Listening to DJ Screw. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. It’s hard to think…. I still think that reality TV show one was probably the most enjoyable. But I’m a sucker for that kind of thing. Oh and it’s so fucking comfortable how she describes her postgrad years. Craigslist, etc. Not more than $35k till 26 though to be fair the cost of living is lower. And this was before. But still. I guess that’s kind of a lot actually. Though idk I’m doing okay. Savings wise. Wait. ANyway. And [] This was running through my head when I said
I do think that taught me how to do a personal essay in a certain way — I’m always drawing these connections in my life, I was just thinking about how I want to record the experience of paddling on the lake and how I was thinking afterward of Naya drowning in a lake with currents —- but Jia always pulls it outward, to something bigger. Which is cool. Um.
Why do you [] He was. He said, because []. But then, expectedly, [] and there was a long beat, and I said, okay, and there was a short beat [] and then []. And the next morning []. Hm. Is this something. I’ll put this whole entry in when it’s time. []. Zoning. City zoning. The architectural application. League. Um. Set in []’s apartment. I am the dump the wealth the park this apartment ins the playground. Or always the whiff of shit next to that which glitzes. Should I talk about how the UTI is tied at least in my retelling to the panic attack. The way cruelty and sex and penetration are all intertwined. The pressing of the finger into the couch spring. Casually brutal act. Brutal a little too intense. “You don’t know your own strength.” [] imitating me, baby voice. []. Ew. Maybe I can write the statuses of this night the statuses I meant the stasis of this imaginary night best in quarantine. Do I have all the time or not enough? Do I spend it correctly? My god this has really spun out in the funniest way I mean I’m not ecstatic but I am ruminative i like this this is what I like. This is what I like. This is what I like. I think maybe a week or two of no assignments nothing moneymaking. Yeah. Not Shaun assignments. But fuck I guess writing this MOCA thing… god. What a mess. Eh. Not crazy though. Mess in the way it’s supposed to be. Always something coming up. Anticipatory, not scary. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.
Anyway then I had a UTI and I thought [] had medication but he didn’t. So I said, um. Can you please get me some. I had texted him that. And then went in and told him and he was unsurprised so I assume that meant he saw the text. And he said yes. Can you wait for me to just wake up. And I said, frostily, yes,
Weird: Started writing like a diary in the Yard Sale document: “Inspired by that artist — fuck, who? the documentary impulse is another I should say I’m obsessed with though that’s more personal than it is in contemporary art today. The one who documented everything. Even Jenny Odell. Capitalism. Where things come from. “. Started writing like in novel in this document. Everything bleeds. We discussed that the bleeding or I did. Distinction between work, labor, job. Chastised [], possibly overharshly, for implying that socialism meant people got things for free. I just hate that kind of imprecision because I am imprecise.
Echoes of things that had happened in these parties a hundred times before. Intimations that it’s happening now. [] slid down to the floor of he bathroom — eye level with minstrel paintings? — the minstrel paintings themselves an emblem along with the Orientalist wallpaper. Share the wealth. Is that what that is? How it’s more about the minstrel paintings than the wealth… is it though?
Talk about those people who had been more authentically into Asianness than me who always wanted to deny it who always wanted to be white then it became interesting and I seized upon it and accuse everyone around me of the same because I think it might vindicate or explain or make me less lonely. Hm. The document should also include a timeline. This honestly takes a lot of work. Maybe I’ll get an assistant at some point. Who is me. But … hm. Who knows me back to front. Hm. Something there. An idea. Um.
I waned to write about the boat. Pee then write about the boat. Canoe.
I wanted to enjoy it but early on was plagued by a sense of needing to pee. Um. I had said a certain time — 2PM? 3PM?
Uhhhh. And then they weren’t ready. []’s not going actually. Um. He was gonna go. Um. Um. And I should’ve peed and when dad pointed to the outside restroom at the place, and said, restroom? (he had misheard me, and I had acted like, what? What the hell are you talking about? Though I’d understood the misunderstanding perfectly). Idk. The opposite of a bildungsroman you know, pure stasis. but also the possibility of it through the act of thinking, the act of writing? Unsure. And then. So yeah a punishment I had to pee. And there was a spider and a fly or multiple flies, I couldn’t tell (ooooh — doppelganger). Um. And I kept swatting away at the flies and at times was afraid I’d drop the paddle. And the spider was, it had built this web from the front of the prow (?) the closed canoe where my legs were or is it a kayak I don’t know not crunchy I think kayak difference? I don’t know to the right side where my hands went down sometimes while paddling and I was afraid of crushing it and I’d tried, somewhat half-heartedly, to break the web but was then afraid of becoming the shortcut (i guess I didn’t mention shortcut). I wonder how all these creatures are doing. Fly (flies?) likely dead. Um. Spider idk. [] says that ants live 15 years. Some. Became really into aquascaping last night. I rose shortly after noon. At least no snooze alarm snooze alarm cycle of death. Anyway. I think that’s good. Right? I made arancini on Friday they were good ate the last three yesterday for lunch ([] had many) and they staved off the nausea we went to the Asian grocery story Phnom something they pretty curt when you walked in in a way unexpected and correct but then said bye as we left uh I got some rice paper wrappers my new jar came today [] and [] together broke it [] from washing it (occasional shows of care…) bursts and [] having crashed into it with his large body the two of it together i had literally commented on it being like did you wash my blender? did you? did you? thank you! And there it was, a jar, ajar, aglitter. The other two had pieces of the jar stuck in their feet [] left the prep pad on the floor the next day or no the same day shattered the blue cup for which [] became slightly sad pouted for effect fine in actuality played into it no harm no harm no harm no harm no harm no harm no harm [] is beside me the bottle is beside me the headphones are beside me yesterday [] swatted fourteen flies the citrus story [] says he talking to [] first three citruses then five then nine [] quiet stoic annoyed a little angry even me hm a little residual of the old jealousy but nothing like it, empowering almost, itnersting, then it flipped. Um. Every moment. I want every moment. But also I have to apply for this job. Jobs. Ah, capitalism. Aight let’s do this DUNS shit I guess.
7:03 PM